


outsider

by aaxbbxx



Series: The Universe is Ours • 2nd Oneshot Collection [7]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Implied Park Minhyuk | Rocky/Yoon Sanha, M/M, i will do better next time, please if you ever feel like you're alone, rated teen for mental health, talk to someone about it, this was supposed to be deeper and longer but i lost the momentum im sorry, you are never alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22774672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaxbbxx/pseuds/aaxbbxx
Summary: If he couldn't do those things anymore, then who was he? What was his role in the group? What else could he do?Sure, he was a great singer, but over time, even that wouldn’t be enough to single him out. Being adorable – it used to be his unique charm; his only quality no one could take away from him.Without that, what else is left?
Relationships: Park Minhyuk | Rocky/Yoon Sanha
Series: The Universe is Ours • 2nd Oneshot Collection [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1600558
Comments: 7
Kudos: 39





	outsider

**Author's Note:**

> non-edited

Lately, Sanha felt left out. He knew the hyungs don't do it on purpose. He also knew (well, he  _ guessed _ ) that interviewers and alike didn't mean to bypass him. He also knew Arohas don't mean to sound like he was being dismissed. But he couldn't help but feel all those things anyhow. Interviews aside, going out was a problem too and being on tour, as he would often be left alone while the rest got to sit with each other and enjoy the flow of conversation, him a few seats back, strangers his only company. He thought having six in a group, there would be equal divide in cases like these, a partner to get through in those circumstances – but that wasn’t true. 

Sanha was the youngest and, from the get-go, his image was to be cute; the maknae of the group. He didn't mind because his boyish features helped him fit into the role perfectly. He also does act cutely because he felt like being cute and he was a natural at it (his parents and brothers often tell him that he was born with  _ aegyo _ ). But then puberty hit him, and his gangly limbs grew, his shoulders broadened, and his voice got deeper. He still talks like a baby, mispronouncing words here and there (mostly due to his habit from when he had braces) and his hyungs would tease him about it – still screeches high pitched even. He relished in the moments of being the maknae of the group. 

But as he changed, his confidence went down and he became  _ tamer _ than usual, if that could describe it. At first, he thought it was just growing older and maturing, but later on he realized it might have been his subconscious mind reacting to his social environment. Nature and nurture, shaping you in who you are and who you become.

As he did his  _ aegyos _ , he would see people smile briefly the first couple of years, and their cringe was somehow fake – secretly loving his adorableness. But later on, it evolved and people drew back from him and he'd hear his hyungs ,and sometimes interviewers, saying he was too shameless. He didn't really listen to them, letting it go as teasing, but after awhile, the words started to hurt, started to have more impact, more meaning behind it. So, he did them less and less; only doing so when prompted. Sometimes he'd slip and he'd see all of the hyungs recoiling with disgust, and the looks they would send him; he'd laugh it off even though it stung. He then became a master at masking his emotions. As the words, the reactions, become more frequent, ultimately he just became numb – mind someplace else, an automated response at the ready. 

Things changed and suddenly, he wasn't the cute one anymore. More and more people wanted either Bin or Rocky to do the cute stuff. Often times, MJ or JinJin would make it into a competition against him and he'd just suck it up and do as best as he could, but he'd lose because somehow the ‘cutie’ charm on him wore off.

Sanha was losing part of himself. If he couldn't do those things anymore, then  _ who _ was  _ he _ ? What was  _ his _ role in the group? What else could he do? 

Sure, he was a great singer, but over time, even that wouldn’t be enough to single him out. Being adorable – it used to be  _ his _ unique charm; his  _ only _ quality no one could take away from him. 

Without that, what else is left? 

***

Lately Sanha had been feeling under the weather which he was thankful for – he'd have an excuse to not participate as much in interviews and shows, only speaking when spoken to. But his excuses were running low and someone was bound to notice. Then again, it wouldn't matter because even if he did speak up, people would overlook him and skip to the other members, completely forgetting about him.

Sometimes Sanha thought maybe Astro was better off with just five members. But he'd slap himself for sinking so low in his self-pity and shook it off. He'd bottle it inside himself hoping that no one would ever know how he felt because if they knew, they would just confirm his fears and look on with agreement that they didn’t need him.

Ofcourse, when everything was kept inside, it was bound to explode one way or another and Sanha was about to find, he would be facing his worst nightmare.

———

It had become a habit. Whenever they had shows, interviews or concerts or fansigns, he'd speak when spoken to, act like he's expected and other than that, keep quiet. 

He had a baby-ish voice despite having gone down an octave, it was a part of him. And although the hyungs would joke about how whiny he can get and how annoying it was getting, it still hurt. Everything seems to hurt nowadays. He was becoming too sensitive, he thinks. But he sucked it up and smiled brightly and portrayed the perfect image of how Yoon Sanha from Astro would be. A toned down version maybe, but no one noticed yet, so he's doing it right. 

They had just finished recording a show, full of games, interviews and performance. Sanha was glad it was over because he felt like he was going to drown. He had fun playing yes, but the game didn't last as long as he'd hoped and they spent more time on actual interviews. He could count on one hand how many times someone would talk to him or talk about him. He was tired of faking his actions and smiles when deep down there was a mass of hurt embedded deep within his chest. His resolve cracked a tiny bit more as he heard his members talking about the day's event.

"Sanha was losing his touch, Binnie I think you're the aegyo king now," he heard MJ cackle as the rest of them laughed. 

"Where did the 'Ppu ppu' go?" JinJin jokingly asked him as his hyung slung a hand on his shoulder. All Sanha could do was force out a laugh, which sounded fake to his ears. They must have found his reaction funny since they all went and teased him about it, MJ and Binnie taking the lead. 

As they approached the door to the dorm, Sanha made a beeline towards his, MJ and Rocky's room. If he had bothered to look at the members behind him, he'd see that one person wasn't laughing alongside the others, but instead had a concerned look on his face—just like for the past couple of weeks. 

Sanha groaned as he sat on his bed. He knew no one would be coming in anytime soon, since most of the time everyone would be hanging out in the living room eating, after a tiresome day. Lately, he hadn't been joining in and used being sick and tired as an excuse. Of course that didn't stop the pang of hurt when he realized the members took it too easily and believed him, not bothering to call him for dinner (Sanha knew it was partially his fault for telling them not to call him to eat, but still).

He stared blankly at the floor, his arms coming to wrap around himself, almost like he was subconsciously trying to protect himself. Then he winced as he felt his too broad shoulders, another reminder he wasn't  _ the _ cute maknae anymore. His arms started to itch and he scratched at it mindlessly.

He didn't know how much time passed but he was suddenly jolted out from his stupor by a shout, "Sanha!", and he looked up just as hands covered his own, stopping him from scratching anymore. It was Rocky and he had a horrified look in his eyes.

"Sanha! You're bleeding!" Rocky was pulling his hands away to look at the fresh marks on his left arm and then ran around the room for some towels to wipe off the bits of blood coming from the wounds. "Couldn't you tell?!"

Sanha looked blankly at the way Rocky's hands worked at dabbing at the nail marks, wiping the last of the blood. "How could you be stupid? Why would you even..."

"It was itchy.." Sanha mumbled in a small voice, and he wasn't lying. "I might need to change detergent," he joked weakly, any excuse to say at the irritated look Rocky was sporting. Sanha stood up and went around Rocky to escape but he was pulled back and Rocky stood there and crossed his arms.

"Sanha..." 

Sanha stared down at the boy in front of him, just a year older, but so much more mature for his age, and shrugged. It wasn't like he could say the truth, which he kinda did; it was itchy but not because it physically was. 

"Can I go hyung? I need to wash up the blood." He didn't bother to wait for a reply before he left for the bathroom.

That was a close one.

  
  


————

Sanha had decided he needed to be more careful from then on, though he had always been careful but he guessed he wasn’t being careful enough as of late. Ever since last week's fiasco, Rocky had taken a point of appearing out of nowhere, catching him off guard at the right (read: bad) times. The older had made an effort to always be by Sanha’s side. Sanha wasn’t used to this attentiveness, making it harder for him to conceal and to try hard to pretend he was normal. However, it did help, a little bit, knowing Rocky was there but he knew it was only temporary. The normalcy, the small happiness. And Sanha was right, it was always full circle and he was back in that small corner.

It was a fansign event and they were all being their usual selves. Sanha didn’t have to think much about being compared to somebody, all he had to do was focus on their fans, sign their albums, and wave them goodbye. That’s what he thought until they had to do some small Q&A and suggestions session after signing. It started off harmless, people asking for some “TMI” moments and as usual, MJ led the segment – rendering everyone into a fit of giggles. But then the fans wanted a competition on who can be the cutest, between him and Bin. His head swirled with unwanted thoughts, voices whispering some choice words. Then he heard as the screams got louder for when Moon Bin did his  _ aegyo _ . Sanha felt his heart drop as he finished with MJ jokingly claimed that Bin was the new captain now, and the maknae had now been bumped at the bottom of the list. All he could do was to smile and laugh, agreeing, "Yeah, I lose," even when it hurt to say. Even when it killed him to admit.

As they went home that night, Sanha couldn't shake the emotions he was feeling. One must be wondering, why is he making such a big deal out of it? He wasn’t sure, he couldn’t explain. But what he can tell you is the emptiness, the numbness, the sadness. His mind was floating as he absentmindedly muttered he was going to shower. No one argued, no one stopped him – though he wouldn't be too sure if someone _ did _ because he couldn’t even hear anything. He stepped in the stall fully clothed and leaned on the wall, letting the cold water hit him. Maybe if he’d stay long enough, he’d be as numb as he felt inside. Slowly he slipped down and sat on the cold tiled floor, water running down his face, making a trail down his skin and soaking his already wet clothes.

Sanha was tired. 

He honestly didn't know what to do anymore. On one hand he knew it wasn't healthy and he should just be honest and tell someone how he was feeling. But he was embarrassed and fearful of the hyungs' reactions, afraid they would call him weak or overreacting at such a small thing. So all he could do is bottle it all up. Just like he did back then. He knew what was happening, knew he should seek out and reach out a hand for someone to free him. He was depressed, very much so. 

That feeling of being swallowed whole by some void? The emptiness? The guilt? 

Sanha overcame his depression when he was young. They had just recently debuted but for some reason, he always felt tired, felt sad, always crying for no reason. Then he talked to someone about it, and he felt better. But he was young back then, was still overwhelmed with things he did not know about. The industry. The life he got into. But now… Now was a different story. His reasons now and his reasons then, were different. He wasn’t even sure if he had the right to feel how he feels over something so  _ petty _ .

He didn't know how long time had passed. He didn't hear the knocks pounding on the door, first just a an annoyed knock until it got frantic with worry as the people on the other end realized he wasn't answering. He didn't notice how the door got unlocked before all five members stumbled into the room. He didn’t know he made such a picture – shivering from the water drenching his fully clothed body and a heap on the tiled shower floor, pale and unseeing. He didn't see the horrified and concerned looks of the five members, frozen for just a fraction of a second before they all moved as one trying to reach for their maknae.

Sanha felt rather, how someone took him out of the shower carefully, carrying him out of the bathroom, and when his head dropped on the person's shoulder, the familiar scent washing over his senses, he realized it was Rocky holding him.

Now that he was out of the water, he gained back some consciousness but kept his eyes tightly closed and he could clearly hear drawers rattling open as they reached what he assumed was their room, other footsteps shuffling back and forth. He was laid on the bed and then another set of hands were on him pulling his soaking wet clothes off, changing him into something warm.

"Cold..." Sanha whined as he lay. He could feel a hand running through his hair, softly shushing him as a blanket was draped over him. He was lulled to dreamland, felt the bed dip and heard more than he saw the light being switched off. The last thing he heard was Rocky's soothing voice, "Sleep Sanha, you're okay." Then he was out.

————

When Sanha woke up, he was disoriented. The last thing he remembered doing was going to the bathroom after they came back home. He opened his eyes and winced at the pounding headache he felt. He looked around and saw no one was in the room with him. He got up slowly and shuffled towards the door, rubbing his forehead to get rid of the pulsing pain. But as he neared the door, he could hear raised voices and he knew it was bad to eavesdrop but he did it anyway. 

"How could we not have seen this?!" He heard MJ saying, his voice almost hysterical. 

"He looked so small," Moon Bin replied, his voice muffled like his face was hidden in something, but voice still loud enough for Sanha to hear.

"What do we do?" Eunwoo asked softly. The "I don't know what to do," JinJin had in response was low.

"It's our fault," now it was Rocky's voice, "I didn't notice it till recently, but haven't you noticed how Sanha was behaving lately?"

Sanha froze as he heard his voice, they were talking about him.

"He's not bubbly anymore, and now that I think about it, his smiles and laughter aren't genuine. He doesn't enjoy the jokes anymore and he's silent more often than he isn't. Which is unlike him..."

"We need to talk to him," he heard MJ say with conviction.

"When he wakes up," JinJin agreed.

Sanha stumbled a couple of steps back. Suddenly the memories from last night resurfaced and he was horrified at the way he lost his cool, at making his hyungs tend to him, at being weak. 

The door opened and his head snapped up. It was Rocky.

"Oh...You're up," he stated and his hand was wrapped tightly around the door knob. He looked nervous and concerned. "Sanha...We need to talk."

Sanha squeezed his eyes shut as he shook his head no and he walked backwards until he reached his bed, and it may have been childish but he went back in bed and hid under the covers muttering, " _ No, no, no _ " over and over. He heard footsteps coming and suddenly he felt his bed dip with the added weight of all five members.

"Sanha...tell us what's going on, we're really worried," JinJin's voice cut through his ears just as a hand rubbed his shoulder, and he heard the voices of agreement by other members. Another hand came to rest on top of his head while the rest of the members found a place of their own. 

Sanha didn't want to admit anything to any of them if he was perfectly honest. He was scared of what they might think of him. He was already the maknae, and a pitiful one wouldn't make it any better. 

“Maybe...we can ask another time? He doesn’t seem to be feeling well yet.” MJ murmured and Sanha felt relieved, anything to avoid this moment.

“But–” Bin started.

“Hyung–” Eunwoo could be heard ready to argue.

“M-hyung is right,” Rocky cut them off. “Let’s leave this another day, okay?”

Sanha curled up more, and as seconds ticked by, he thought they would never leave, until he heard resound sighs and bodies getting off his bed, touches going away with a last caress. He felt a breath coming out of him, relaxing into the bed as soon as the door shut close. However not even a minute later, a body slipped behind him making him freeze and pulled him towards them.

“Shh, just sleep Sanha… you’re okay.” Rocky’s voice whispered, his arms tightening around him. He breathed slowly and one by one, his limbs unfroze, relaxing against the older. He debated for a second before he turned around and cuddled up to the youngest rapper, feeling safe. Just like he always has whenever Rocky was beside him. The rapper hummed a tune, placing a gentle kiss on Sanha’s forehead that the youngest barely remembered as he was lulled back to sleep. All he knew was that, he wasn’t alone as he felt anymore.

***

“Hey.”

Sanha blinked his eyes open, whining at the streak of light, before snuggling back into his pillow. Until he remembered just  _ who _ his pillow was, and sat up straight in bed.

“Sanha? You okay now?”

Sanha shook his head, before nodding. “Hm.”

“Then can you look at me please?”

Sanha bit his lip, the thoughts of yesterday flooding his mind. He felt humiliation, embarrassment engulfing him. He felt nauseous and he just wanted the bed to swallow him whole and hide from everyone.

“Sanha?” A hand caressed his arm, urging him to look. As always, he could never resist the older. So he squeezed his eye shut and turned towards him. Rocky chuckled. “Hey, that’s cheating. I know I said to look at me, but you have to open your eyes.”

Despite everything he was feeling, Sanha couldn’t help but giggle before opening his eyes.

“Hi.”

Looking at him with kind, gentle brown eyes, Rocky smiled and tilted his head cutely. “Hello. How are you feeling?”

Sanha looked down, “...fine.”

Rocky sighed, then tilted Sanha’s head back up by his chin. “Sanha...what’s going on? I feel that you haven’t been  _ you _ lately.”

“..it’s nothing, hyung.”

Rocky shook his head. “It’s not nothing. Sanha...look, whatever it is, you know i’d never judge you.”

“..i know..”

“Please... just.. the last time this happened, it was years ago and I didn’t know it then, and I couldn’t do anything then, but this time...please just let me help? I hate seeing you so hurt, so down. With that fake smile of yours, pretending you’re okay when you’re not. It’s fine to not be okay, and I get it..you might think it’s something small and unimportant, but Sanha...if it’s not just something small to you then it’s not to me, if it’s making you feel this way, then it’s important to me. Just please?” 

Sanha’s eyes filled with tears, Rocky’s own reflecting back at him. The desperation, the plea. It was all too much, and just like that, Sanha broke and he spilled  _ everything _ . He told him of what has been happening. What he was feeling. How he felt useless, how he felt like he was being left behind. How he was such an outsider among them. He told him all. 

Rocky for the most part felt like his heart was breaking at how much pain Sanha was feeling. All this happening right in front of him and it was only recently he did something. He should have known the first time Sanha felt off. He should have known and asked him immediately. But he waited and then  _ this _ happened. How could Rocky ever forgive himself?

“I’m  _ so _ sorry, Sanha.” Rocky whispered, gripping Sanha’s hands tight. “You know we never mean to make you feel this way. You should know you are never worthless. You should know that astro isn’t astro without you. Sometimes we probably go too far with jokes, but we should have known that it might hurt someone, and that someone just happened to be you. I’m so sorry, I don’t know what else to say…but I really am.”

Sanha sniffled, feeling somewhat liberated at finally letting everything out. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is! I should have known better–”

Sanha shook his head, “I...I should have spoken up about it and not let bottle it up–”

“Ddana…” Rocky pulled him and hugged him close. “Let’s just agree to disagree for now. But we have to tell the others okay? They’ve been worried about you too.”

Sanha wrapped his arms around the older. “I know.”

***

On the same day, Rocky had pulled Sanha out of their room to where the other hyungs were waiting in the living room, worried sick. When they all leapt to their feet looking all concerned, Sanha couldn’t help it and he bursted out crying. With Rocky’s help, he explained what’s been going on and the look of regret and sadness from the others were enough to say it all.

Sanha knew they didn’t mean it. The thoughts in his head were amplified, and now that he knew he was definitely not an outsider at all and how much his hyungs love him… He knew there was a long way to go, but now he knew he could talk about it to his hyungs. It was hard and it would be hard to open up, but with the help of his hyungs, Sanha can overcome it.

* * *

Sanha tapped his fingers on his knee, not really paying much attention to what’s going on around him. They were in a schedule, an interview for a magazine, he wasn’t so sure, but the focus wasn’t on him so he let his mind wander a bit.

“Sanha!”

He jolted out of his thoughts, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, realizing everyone was looking at him with a little concern and some amusement.

“Ah, yes?”

The interviewer chuckled. “Am I boring you, I apologize.”

“Ah, no, no. I was just thinking of…” Sanha stammered.

MJ interjected. “Ah, our maknae… he was up late practicing.”

“His mind must be in the choreo.” Bin added, chuckling and winking at Sanha conspiratorially. 

Sanha giggled nodding. Rocky, who sat in front of him, reached behind and patted his hand. 

The interviewer nodded in understanding. “Anyway, we were just talking about how the members saw their youngest, and we’d just like to confirm with you their answers.”

“Oh?” Sanha was curious and at the same time, nervous. 

“They said, ‘ _ Sanha is the clumsiest and often distracted.” _ Sanha somehow agreed but felt saddened, but then…” _ But he completes us, he’s our baby and we hope he stays that way forever. _ ”

“Ahh.” Sanha let out, looking around at all his hyungs, smiling at him widely. 

“So, you agree?” The interviewer prompted. 

“Hmm. Acknowledged.” Sanha gave a thumbs up.

“My–ah.. _ Our _ cute baby!” Rocky exclaimed suddenly, reach out and patted Sanha’s cheeks.

Sanha found, he didn’t need to have some unique charm that defined him officially, because despite all of that, he’d forever be his hyungs’ baby anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if it felt rushed at the end, because IT IS rushed...I usually try not to post anything that isn't 100% but decided that I had to post this bc I lost all momentum for this and if I don't post it now, it's gonna go to waste..


End file.
